Happiness Is A Warm Gun
by cigarettesandteacups
Summary: Kurt has always had a heightened impulse for self destruction but he never thought he would fall so far. Trigger Warning: Self harm, eating disorders, suicidal behavior and scenes depicting slight dub con.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.**

**Trigger warnings: Self harm, eating disorders, suicidal behavior, a scene of a kind of dub con nature, it this is a trigger for you, please don't read this!**

**All of this is based off my experiences in high school and the time I have spent so far at university (I'm a second year musicology student) and things that I'm still dealing with. To any of you who are going through similar things, feel free to PM me if you need to talk xox**

* * *

Kurt Hummel always seemed to have a slightly heightened appetite for self-destruction. He would often find himself going into slightly melancholy, spaced out moods as a child and suffered from some problems with his self-esteem but nothing seemed too serious.

* * *

Things started to get a bit more serious just before he became a teenager. He was reading a book where a character cut herself, he only tried it to see how she felt. His father found out and told him off. Kurt didn't try again for a long time.

* * *

During his freshman year of High School, he tried cutting again, scratching wounds into his hips with a safety pin. This time, his father didn't find out and he soon graduated to scissors and then shaving razors. He often found himself cutting on and off as punishment for masturbating. It wasn't that he was ashamed of liking boys, it was that he was ashamed of acting on sexual feelings.

* * *

The on and off pattern carried on for the year, becoming slightly more violent with during his sophomore year, using the shaving razor to make a mess of shallow cuts along his hips and upper thighs that tore patches of skin off and ripped and stung whenever he would take his jeans or boxers off but it still didn't happen all the time.

* * *

During his junior year, Kurt had found Blaine. He still cut but not very often and would always tell Blaine when he did. Blaine just showed his support and helped him open up about his feelings. Kurt gladly explored the world of love and sex with him and even after they broke up a couple of months later, they still remained friends.

* * *

Mid way through his senior year is when Kurt really got into trouble. He stepped of his scales one day to find an extra three kilograms. It really shouldn't have been a surprise to him, he had been taking some medication which listed weight gain as a side effect but that didn't stop him feeling betrayed by his body. He vowed to eat better so he didn't have to worry much about his body in the future.

* * *

A few weeks later and nothing had changed. Not even a gram. Feeling frustrated, Kurt decided he would aim to eat more whole grains and raw foods as opposed to processed foods. He had read that it was an easy way to lose weight. Still no change.

* * *

During this time he had his first food related panic attack. Kurt was lying down, listening to the soundtrack of Spring Awakening when he felt guilt rushing through his veins over the amount of food he ate. He confided in Blaine about these new feelings, they still liked to vent 'at' each other by text.

Kurt: Blaine, I need your help.

Blaine: What's wrong?

Kurt: I'm just feeling unbearably guilty for eating. I don't understand what is going on other than the fact that I'm almost crying about being well fed.

Blaine: I'm worried about you. This sounds serious.

Kurt: Please don't be, I doubt it is anything serious or long term, I just need someone to vent to right now…

Blaine: Kurt, I'm serious. This sounds like it's edging into the beginnings of an eating disorder.

Kurt: Blaine, I swear it's not. I'm not starving myself or anything.

Blaine: OK, but if you do feel like you're getting in too deep, please tell me at least.

Kurt: I will, but I'm not going to go that far. Don't worry.

After that encounter, Kurt hadn't felt that severity of guilt again but still found himself unable to shake the mild guilty pangs that happened when he finished a meal.

* * *

Things took a more serious turn the week after prom. Kurt agreed to spend the night at his 'friend' Sebastian's house. They had an on and off agreement where they would fool around casually when it suited them but they hadn't had sex. He didn't like Sebastian terribly much but he was incredibly good looking (and arrogant) and Kurt's friends all had crushes on him so it made Kurt feel powerful to fool around with someone his friends couldn't

* * *

During the afternoon, Kurt was picking at some food in front of the TV waiting for the time to pass before he went to Sebastian's house. Some chocolate and a bowl of cereal later and Kurt was starting to feel guilty again and before he knew it he had taken a swig of rum to relax his throat and was kneeling in front of the toilet maneuvering a toothbrush around his tonsils, bringing up small amounts of his meal when he hit the right spot.

* * *

Sebastian and Kurt had sex that night after smoking a joint. It wasn't a great experience for Kurt who didn't achieve orgasm and was told sternly not to move while Sebastian fucked Kurt's body. Sebastian requested a blowjob later, instructing Kurt not to get semen on his sheets. Kurt obliged, but not happily. He left Sebastian's house early in the morning after he used the shower to scrub as much of the night as he could off him.

* * *

Kurt was becoming more skilled at purging his food, being able to bring up at least half of each meal he ate, the end of his toothbrush becoming more and more dented with tooth marks. He was getting sick more than he usually did and was constantly losing his voice. He eased up on purging for a while as he began to count calories and prepared for college auditions.

* * *

Kurt managed to go for a day with nothing to eat and felt overjoyed with pride, rewarding himself with a rum and diet coke that night. The next day, he met Blaine at the Lima Bean for coffee and divulged his accomplishment to his shocked ex boyfriend.

"Kurt, that's not healthy."

"Don't worry! I'm eating today!" Kurt said enthusiastically while waving his container of apple slices in Blaine's face.

"Ok, please tell me if you are slipping into some bad habits though, I mean, the cutting is hard enough to begin with."

"I will. Firstly, I don't cut very much and secondly, I tried purging for a while but it made me lose my voice all the time." Kurt admitted.

"Shit, Kurt! You're making yourself throw up? This isn't good."

"Relax! I'm not doing it anymore, I promise." Kurt said soothingly.

* * *

Kurt slipped up that night, indulging in some cake. It made him feel ill so he had no choice but to purge it. He told Blaine about it telling him that it had honestly made him feel sick when he angrily reminded Kurt about the no purge promise he had made earlier that day.

* * *

During spring, Kurt had established a routine of eating up to 300 calories on weekdays and binging like crazy on the weekend. He lost four kilograms in two weeks with that method but alas, it didn't last for long. Kurt was beginning to have more regular binges and compensated by purging, there was little change in his weight but he had become rather tired looking with big bags under his eyes and dull looking skin. He was beginning to have trouble staying awake during the school day, often retreating to his car to sleep during lunch, his mind becoming louder and louder at night was keeping him awake until the early hours in the morning.

* * *

During the times when he was becoming more and more strung out there was a beacon of hope for him yet, an acceptance letter from Juilliard for their Opera Performance program. The idea of a new beginning in New York seemed like the perfect cure for Kurt's problems.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone! Sorry it's taken so long, It's a pretty difficult story for me to write but here it is: Chapter two. Also, I'm in the process of uploading everything to my lj: cigarettecups(dot)livejournal(dot)com**

**The song I listened to on repeat while listening to this was: The End Of The World – Skeeter Davis (It doesn't influence the story in any way, but you might want to give it a listen for atmospheric purposes)**

**Same warnings apply. **

* * *

Kurt's eating became more and more varied and his weight fluctuated wildly over the summer. He kept himself busy by working in a gift store in Lima and forged a close friendship with Sam Evans.

The great thing about Sam was how he would hang out with both Kurt and Finn at the same time, forging a stronger bond between the brothers. By the time Kurt, Finn and Rachel moved to New York, Kurt considered Sam to be one of his best friends, he even confided in Sam about his eating problems. Sam understood to an extent, he was conscious about his looks too.

Not long after, Kurt came clean about the cutting too which had become more frequent and had moved to his forearm as well as his hips and thigh. Sam didn't quite understand that, but he was supportive anyway.

* * *

One evening, Sam came over to Kurt's flat before a night of drinking. They were lounging on Kurt's bed in the overwhelming New York heat, listening to Rock 'n' Roll music and complaining about Sam's new job at a coffeehouse and Kurt's weirdly intense university work.

Out of the blue, Sam suddenly turned to Kurt. "You have a really great neck, you know…"

Kurt chuckled slightly at the unexpected comment. "What an oddly specific complement… But I'm sure Mercedes wouldn't approve…"

"What are you talking about? She compliments you all the time… AND I just happened to notice that you have a really delicious looking neck…" Sam continued eyeing Kurt's neck.

"Oh…. Uhmmm… Thankyou?" Kurt said awkwardly before jumping up and pulling Sam through to the lounge. "Um… How about we go put this CD on in the stereo… Better sound quality…"

* * *

It wasn't really Kurt's fault that Sam started nipping and licking at Kurt's neck while they were listening to Buddy Holly on the stereo; he had honestly tried to get rid of the vibes. Sam decided to get the neck fascination out of this system by just placing a couple of kisses along Kurt's neck. Kurt was not prepared for when Sam moved to kiss Kurt on the lips. Maybe Kurt should have reminded Sam about Mercedes - his girlfriend… but he didn't seem to have the courage to reject or crush Sam's ego.

* * *

They ended up exchanging blowjobs later on that night before Finn and Rachel arrived back at the flat after work with a supply of alcohol. Kurt didn't even have alcohol to blame for the night's events. He had just enabled his best friend to cheat on his girlfriend, an equally close friend of Kurt's.

* * *

Sam broke up with Mercedes the next day claiming that Kurt wasn't the reason why he did it. He then immediately regretted the decision and tried to get back together with her again. They ultimately decided to settle it as friends. Mercedes never did find out what happened with Kurt and Sam. Kurt wasn't able to eat for three days.

* * *

They fooled around a couple of times after that. Once even with Finn sleeping on the couch in the same room. After that, Sam decided he was going to stop fooling around with his friends. Sam and Kurt drifted away. Sam was accepted into a music course in Nashville for a couple of months. They didn't speak much after that.

* * *

Julliard was a very demanding school, Kurt was constantly learning new arias, writing new essays and learning new and incredibly difficult music theory concepts. He continued to cut and his eating continued to sway between the extreme of not eating anything or negligible amounts and as much food he could eat. He couldn't purge anymore. Singing was his fulltime job. Despite this, the new active lifestyle of walking everywhere in the city had caused him to tone up a bit. Every time he went back to Lima, he looked thinner.

* * *

Time passed and Kurt was struggling. He hadn't lost much more weight since he first moved to New York, he was failing a theory paper and his cutting became more and more severe. Rachel tried to ask him if he was hurting himself after she claimed to have found a bloodstained tissue in the garbage and blades on his desk. She didn't actually. He kept any remnants and tools of self-harm in a drawer in his desk. Now he had Rachel looking through his stuff to worry about. No doubt she was probably going to tell Finn too who would threaten to tell his father. He had to be more careful.

* * *

The spring holidays came around again and Kurt found himself being fucked by a guy from his music history class, a jazz student. It was dark and he was being fucked doggy style so it was easy for him to fake an orgasm. This time, he was drunk, but like the time with Sebastian, he agreed to it days before and couldn't back out. Kurt snuck out while the other boy was asleep; he had to fly to Lima early in the morning. Kurt spent the rest of the night cutting.

* * *

Being at home was awful. All Kurt wanted to do was sit in his room by himself but he was forced to socialise and interact with his family. Despite this, Kurt put on his happy face and tried to ignore the concerned glances his father was giving him.

* * *

The next day his father sat him down to talk.

"Kurt, I'm worried about you… You seem all over the place, bud… What's wrong?"  
"Nothing, Dad! I'm fine, just a little stressed. That's all." Kurt said with a shrug.

"Well, that's not what I hear… Finn told me that Rachel seems to think that you're hurting yourself…" Burt continued, looking directly into Kurt's eyes. "I just want you to know that if anything is going on… You can tell me, ok?"

Kurt kept a straight face but his mind rushed as he tried to find something to say.

"Dad, the only thing Rachel had to invent that theory was a craft knife in my drawer. She just likes to put drama in things…"

Burt sighed, "What about the tissues she found? I hear that there was a lot more blood on them than a paper cut. I'm worried about you, you've been acting funny since you got here."

Kurt felt the colour drain from his face. "I'm fine, dad! I cut my finger while cooking one day, she found the tissues I used to clean it up! I swear."

"Ok… Then show me your arm." Burt stated simply.

"No." Kurt replied cooly.

"Why not, Kurt? If you're telling the truth you would have nothing to hide under there."

"I'm not cutting, alright! God! I can't believe you're letting RACHEL - drama queen extraordinaire influence your thinking." Kurt shouted.

"Please, Kurt… just let me see."

"NO!" Kurt shouted as he felt his father's hand around his wrist. He tried to squirm away but the damage was done.

"Oh Kurt." His father sighed as he saw Kurt's arm, covered from his elbow to his wrist in scars old and new. "How long has this been going on?"

Kurt shook his head and tried again to squirm away, tears blurring his vision.

His father pulled him into a hug "Please tell me…"

"A couple of months…" Kurt lied. He didn't want his father to know that it had actually been over 5 years.

It was hard to think that things could get worse but Kurt continued to surprise himself as he cried in his Father's arms.

* * *

**Please feel free to review! I love feedback!**


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